I know most of the right answers to life. I have the head knowledge. I know that I should be loving God and people more than myself, and that to do so requires me to die to my selfishness everyday, day in and day out. I know I believe in the good news of the Gospel.
However sometimes I let myself put that knowledge aside, and get jealous at what I see others have and I don't. It doesn't matter how much I really have, there will always be that "it" that I don't have. *SIDE TRACK: ebay has a great marketing ad out right now....whatever IT is, you can get IT on ebay.....we always want more.* Why do I look at my friends, my family, and my room mates and fall into jealousy rather than be happy for them, and forget about myself. Why is it that I cannot be content with who and where I at this point in time and just trust in God when he says 'I will not forsake nor abandon you'? Why do I let myself fall back into sins that have long controlled me, but I had a handle on, and was disciplined against, and then just let go and commit the same sin?
I am so tired of being this way. Of hating my life, and being rude to others because they have the 'it' that I don't. Why do I constantly have to look out for #1? Do I really think I am that important?
I know how to love others unconditionally, but often I don't let myself. Why do I know so much if I can't put it into action.
The true test of faith is not knowing things, but being able to live the basics day in and day out. That is much more real than unlimited knowledge that does no good for anyone.
These are some big questions that I must constantly turn to God to find answers for, and must constantly be disciplining myself in order to live the fullest I can.
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1 comment:
sounds like some true wrestling. You are in my thoughts friend.
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