I am not going to lie, this past week has been difficult! I am extremely busy with Nursing School, and am enjoying most of it, but don't have time for a social life, and am getting annoyed at my housemates.
Nursing School is great, but definately a challenge. There is no way I can get everything done that they ask me to, so I have to prioritize, and manage my time effectively. Which I am doing, but this semester is so much more academically demanding than any I had at Whitworth. So, all that I ever do is school stuff. Which makes any chance of a social life a joke.
One of my housemates is being extremely inconsiderate of the rest of us, he never cleans up after himself, and just expects the rest of us to do it for him. I am going to talk to him, and tell him he needs to do his share.
The constant problem in my life is that I am too focus/goal oriented, and don't allow myself to be spontaneous often. Also, I haven't been on a date these past two years, but am watching my friends all date or get married. Further down the self-esteem goes. I know what you are thinking, who am I to complain, I have so much compared to so many. I know this is true, and everything I do have I am thankful for, and do appreciate it. However, the one thing that I have wanted as long as I can remember, is the one thing I can never seem to get, yet it comes so easily to everyone around me. As time marches on, my hope continues to diminish. Everyday when I wake up, I know that today will be just like yesterday, and that I will not meet a girl. I am also extremely realistic, too much so for my own good. That is just how I work, it is easier for me to accept that this is how it is, rather than hoping and constantly being let down, and having my hopes shattered. While I don't have much hope for ever being in a meaningful relationship, it is still one of my deepest desires. I know what I am good at, and it is a lot of things, but romance just is not one of those things.
I am not depressed, though it may sound like it. I know that being a bachelor has its perks as well, such as this brand new computer that I am typing on. Also I have seen a lot more of the world than most of my peers, in the last year alone I spent 4 months abroad in Europe, and Kenya. Someday I do want to do long term medical missions, and it will be easier to do it alone.
I just ask all of you who do have meaninful romantic relationships to realize how blessed you are, don't be like I was, and waste it on something stupid. Relationships take a lot of work, and allowing someone in. Neither of which I am very good at.
Well, I am off to my second home for the semester, the library to study.
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3 comments:
brian...
i want you to know you are being prayed for fervently. I am broken on your behalf that you are preoccupied with wanting a girl. I know you are doing okay... i don't doubt that, but you aren't actually satisfied. hate to tell you this... but there is such joy in being single and i pray you see it and taste it. yes it goes without saying that someday i hope that the Lord will bless me with a husband... but what if He doesn't? Why do i not taste and see that the Lord is good regardless!?! He promises that He will never leave us, He promises that He will withold no good thing from those who love Him and seek him w/ all their heart, He promises that His yoke is easy and burden is light, He promises that He will provide for EVERY need. I pray you'd fall in Love with the God who loves you.... not just knowing He's there, but savoring this time you have to give Him your all. it's taken me time to get to this place... but God is so faithful. I pray you'd see Him as who He really is... the HUGE God who created not just our galaxy, but millions of galaxies... our perspective is small... look up and see that the God who created every star in the sky created you first and foremost to be in relationship with HIm. miss you friend. i'll keep praying :)
when can we hang out again?
sounds great!
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